Planning A Trip

What used to be an exciting event – planning a much needed vacation – is now an exercise, for some (particularly the elderly), in overcoming obstacles. There are many unconventional things that must now be considered before embarking on, say, a cruise:

1. Are there wheelchairs available in the terminals (and onboard the ship itself)?
2. Will all your meds be able to pass safely through customs?
3. Do you have a doctor’s note to explain the beeping that will (because of the titanium rods currently holding together your limbs) inevitably occur when you go through the metal detectors?

Mind you, these are only some of the obstacles elders will be facing getting onto the ship in the first place. Once you board:

1. Are there elevators to take you not only floor to floor but also to your seats in the dining areas and theaters?
2. Is there a special menu for diabetics?
3. Are there devices for the hearing impaired in noisy areas where BINGO and other activities take place?

And this doesn’t even cover any additional transportation snafus that might be incurred by using planes, busses, cabs or boat tenders to and from the cruise ship. Sadly, at this point, you will be so exhausted from merely planning (what should have been) this fantastic trip that you’ll most likely… just stay home!

 

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Two Left Shoes

English is a complicated language. Yet most people who learn it as their second language seem to be far more fluent than the rest of us who study, say, Spanish or French for a few years in high school. Why is that? Maybe it has something to do with all those double entendres, colloquialisms and oxymorons we spout both for comedic purposes and, let’s be honest, because we misuse them… Often.

Here are a few new expressions that have popped up since I’ve started living with my parents again:

Passenger-seat driver. That one’s pretty self explanatory… When I’m chauffeuring my Dad around town on various errands, he’s always pointing out every car that he thinks is in my way or every sign that he thinks he’s reading correctly or every imminently dangerous situation that’s about to occur (in his opinion) while sitting in the passenger seat instead of the back seat – where people usually sit when they want to annoy drivers.

Upside-down knife. Imagine cutting into a nice piece of steak… and cutting and cutting and you’re about to send it back because it’s like a piece of rubber. Then you’re told it’s not the meat, it’s the knife. Meaning, the knife is upside down. You’ve been painstakingly trying to cut something with the serrated edges up instead of down. My Dad, sadly, suffers from this anomaly. But, on the bright side, think how many calories he burns in the effort. 

Two-left shoes. We’ve all heard the expression ‘two left feet’ when referring to someone (hopefully not you) who couldn’t dance. But what about someone who can’t see or feel the difference when putting his shoes on the wrong feet… It seems like they’d notice that right away, doesn’t it? Only, my Dad keeps walking up to me with his shoes on the wrong feet and asking me if they’re right. It would be beyond cruel to not correct him or, worse, to wait and see if he eventually noticed (I’m no prankster but I know there are people who find great joy in tying someone’s shoe laces together under the table in hopes that, once they get up, they’ll immediately trip).

It’s a far better idea to just laugh it off and tell him, “you must have two left shoes!” 

Give And Take

Call it compulsive but whenever the cashier tells me it’s okay to short them a penny or two (because another customer conveniently left some behind), I search through every nook and cranny of my bag to come up with the exact change for my purchase. It’s not that I’m overly honest – I just figure it makes it easier for them to close out their register, at the end of the day, with the correct amount of money in the cash drawer.

That said, I can always be counted upon to have more than my share of little sample bottles to take on any trip – even at the very last moment. Hotels put them out there for guests to use (ostensibly for that particular stay) but we all know they’re for us to load up on so that we don’t run out on the next visit somewhere and so on and so on…

My ‘toiletry bag’ has grown exponentially, over the years, to the point where I now have to spend extra time pairing up assorted sample bottles of shampoos and conditioners, tubes of toothpastes and flosses and bars of soaps and body lotions. That way I’ll always know when it’s time to replenish the supply (yeah, like I’ve ever NOT taken them home with me anyway).

And at this rate, I’ll never be without the comforts of home while far away from home!