Just Drink Up

We’ve known for quite a while that cough medicines don’t work. Sure, they soothe your throat as they’re going down but doctors have always told us they are not a cure for a cough or a sore throat. It’s one of those annoying things that just has to ‘run its course.’

It’s really amazing the number of things consumers are willing to try… just because. We’re in such a rush, all the time, that we can’t even let the most natural occurrence just happen in real time. We convince ourselves that any number of ‘over-the-counter’ miracle cures will lessen our suffering.

So, if you’re one of the millions of people who would rather risk ruining your teeth or ingesting Red #40 (personally, I’ve just always loved the taste of Robitussin) then by all means, just drink up!

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Senior Citizens Texting

Senior citizens have taken to texting with gusto. They even have their own vocabulary:

BFF: Best Friend Fainted

BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth

CBM: Covered By Medicaid

FWB: Friend With Beta-Blocker

LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out

GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low

You’re Old If…

You’re old if…

• Everything hurts and, what doesn’t hurt, doesn’t work anyway.
• You get winded playing chess.
• Your children begin to look middle aged.
• You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going.
• Your knees buckle but your belt won’t.
• Dialing long distance wears you out.
• Your back goes out more than you do.
• You answer automatically when someone addresses you as “Old Timer.”
• You burn your midnight oil at 8pm.
• You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there.
• Your pacemaker makes the garage door go up when you see a pretty girl walk by.
• You have too much room in the house and not enough in the medicine cabinet.
• The best part of your day is over when the alarm clock goes off.

ABC’s Of Aging

(author unknown)

A is for arthritis
B is for bad back
C is for the chest pains – corned beef?cardiac?
D is for dental decay and decline
E is for eyesight – can’t read that top line
F is for fissures and fluid retention
G is for gas  (which I’d rather not mention – and not to forget other gastrointestinal glitches)
H is high blood pressure
I is for itches and lots of incisions
J is for joints, that now fail to flex
L is libido – what happened to sex?
Wait! I forgot about K!
K is for my knees – that crack all the time
(But forgive me, I get a few lapses in my
Memory from time to time)
N is for nerve (pinched) and neck (stiff)
and neurosis
O is for osteo – for all the bones that crack
P is for prescriptions, that cost a small fortune
Q is for queasiness. Fatal or just the flu?
Give me another pill and I’ll be good as new!
R is for reflux – one meal turns into two
S is for sleepless nights (counting fears on how to pay my medical bills)
T is for tinnitus – I hear bells in my ears
And the word ‘terminal’ also rings too near
U is for urinary and the difficulties that flow (or not)
V is for vertigo, as life spins by
W is worry, for pains yet unfound
X is for x-ray and what one might find
Y is for year (another one, I’m still alive)
Z is for zest

For surviving the symptoms my body’s deployed
And keeping 26 doctors gainfully employed

Leave Em Smiling

As you age, you notice certain parts of your body fail to work quite as well as they used to work. Your eyes don’t see as well and your ears don’t hear as well. You might experience a change in your taste buds and certain smells that you used to enjoy may now seem unpleasant.

Supposedly (much like ‘when a door closes, a window opens’), when one of your senses starts to decline, another one becomes stronger. People who are born without sight or hearing or even limbs have been known to accomplish incredible feats due to this phenomenon. Some of our best known artists, musicians and athletes are among them.

So, if it takes you a little longer to get around or you have to rely on the kindness of others when performing daily tasks… fear not. We’re all in this together. Today you may notice the daily struggles encountered by your elders but tomorrow (or soon enough) your day will come. And even if (one day) your teeth come out of a jar, you can still command an audience with your Life Songs. Just remember to always keep em smiling (and, more importantly, make sure you take those teeth out of the jar first)!

Rainy Day Saving

When I finally convinced my parents that it was time to move out of their 3-leveled townhouse (after both of them had fallen) and into a condo without stairs, the fun had only just begun.

It never occurred to me that this almost 60-years-married couple could not (and would not) part with a single item… many of which had not seen the light of day in more than half a century.

We all love our memorabilia and no one would ever suggest throwing out an original photo or a special letter. But 70+ year old school report cards, brittle clumps of no longer fine, baby hair and (there are no words) what appear to be baby teeth in little plastic treasure chests are NOT items that need to be saved and moved to yet another home.

Sometimes, ‘out with the old and in with the new’ has tremendous merit – especially when not doing so turns a home into a hoarding house!

Card-Carrying Sleuth

It is becoming yet another full-time job of mine to troubleshoot everything and anything my Dad thinks he hears:

• Voices outside the door
• Chairs scraping from the condo above
• Banging from the garage below 
• Motorcycles revving up on the street

It’s entirely possible that some of these noises DID occur, at one time, and some I have actually heard myself. But I simply cannot track every sound and motion – even as it becomes his latest obsession. Then, when I tell him to please stop tapping his fingers or grinding his teeth because it’s distracting me while I’m trying to write (this blog post, for example), he gets all bent out of shape because he doesn’t think THOSE noises are annoying.

So, what’s the solution?

The solution is: turn up the volume of his TV (even more, if possible); wait for him to fall asleep in his comfy lounger (oops, he just did) and Voila… Problem solved!*

*at least until next time…

Get Up, Go

(Unknown Author)

How do I know that my youth is all spent?
Well, my get up and go has got up and went.
But in spite of it all I am able to grin
When I think of the places my get up has been.

Old age is golden, so I’ve heard said
But sometimes I wonder, as I get into bed.
With my ears in a drawer, my teeth in a cup
And my eyes on the table until I wake up.

Ere sleep dims my eyes I say to myself
“Is there anything else I can put on the shelf?”
And I’m happy to say as I close the door
“My friends are the same, perhaps even more.”

When I was a young thing my slippers were red
I could kick my heels high as my head.
Then when I was older, my slippers were blue
But still I could walk the whole day through.

Now I’m still older, my slippers are black
I walk to the store and puff my way back.
The reason I know my youth is all spent
My get up and go has got up and went.

But really, I don’t mind when I think with a grin
Of all the grand places my get up has been.
Since I have retired from life’s competition
I busy myself with complete repetition.

I get up each morning and dust off my wits
Pick up the paper and read the ‘obits.’
If my name is missing I know I’m not dead
So I eat a good breakfast and go back to bed.

Fine, How’re you?

(Author Unknown)

There’s nothing the matter with me,
I’m just as healthy as can be,
I have arthritis in both knees,
And when I talk, I talk with wheeze.
My pulse is weak, my blood is thin,
But I’m awfully well for the shape I’m in.

All my teeth have had to come out,
And my diet I hate to think about.
I’m overweight and I can’t get thin,
But I’m awfully well for the shape I’m in.

Arch supports I need for my feet.
Or I wouldn’t be able to go in the street.
Sleep is denied me night after night,
But every morning I find I’m all right.
Memory is failing, my head’s in a spin.
But I’m awfully well for the shape I’m in.

The moral of this as the tale unfolds,
Is – for you and me, who’re growing old.
It’s better to say, “I’m fine” with a grin,
Than to let people know the shape we’re in.

I’m fine, how are you?*

*All of the products shown above really work. I know. I use them all the time 😦