ATD – At The Doctors
BFF – Best Friend Fell
BTW – Bring The Wheelchair
FWIW – Forgot Where I Was
ROFLACGU – Rolling On Floor Laughing And Can’t Get Up
laugh
Now That’s Entertainment
In the hardware store, the clerk asked, “Can I help you find anything?”
“How about my misspent youth,” my husband joked.
The clerk answered, “We keep that in the back, between world peace and winning lottery tickets.”
****
“My memory is gone, Esther, so I changed my password to ‘INCORRECT.’ That way, when I log in with the wrong password, the computer will tell me, ‘YOUR PASSWORD IS INCORRECT!'”
****
My wife said, “Whatcha doin’ today?”
I said, “Nothing.”
She said, “You did that yesterday.”
I said, “I wasn’t finished.”
Make ‘Em Laugh
Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts one foot in and pauses. She yells down the stairs, “was I getting in or out of the bath?”
The 94 year old yells back, “I don’t know, I’ll come up and see.” She starts up the stairs and pauses. Then she yells out, “was I going up the stairs or down?”
The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea and listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, “I sure hope I never get that forgetful.” She ‘knocks on wood’ for good measure and then replies, “I’ll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who’s at the door!”
Listen And Learn
- A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
- A closed mouth gathers no feet.
- Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
- Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in his shoes. That way if he gets angry, he’ll be a mile away and barefoot.
- Middle age is when the broadness of mind and the narrowness of waist trade places.
- For some, the idea of housework is to ‘sweep’ the room at a glance.
- The ‘other’ line always moves faster – until you get in it.
10 Rhetorical Questions
1) How could I be so stupid?
2) Marriage is a wonderful institution but who wants to live in an institution?
3) Do vegetarians eat animal crackers?
4) If you see a heat wave should you wave back?
5) Why are there Braille dots on the keypad of the drive thru ATM?
6) Why are softballs hard?
7) Why do banks leave the door wide open but the pens chained to the counter?
8) Why is a professional who invests your money called a broker?
9) Why is it called a drive thru if you have to stop?
10) Why do they call it getting your dog ‘fixed’ if it doesn’t work afterwards?
Oldies But Goodies
Some hit songs of the 60’s and 70’s are being revised with new lyrics to accommodate the aging:
- Herman’s Hermits: Mrs. Brown, You’ve Got A Lovely Walker
- The Bee Gees: How Can You Mend A Broken Hip?
- Bobby Darin: Splish, Splash, I Was Havin’ A Flash
- Ringo Starr: I Get By With A Little Help From Depends
- Roberta Flack: The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face
- Commodores: Once, Twice, Three Times To The Bathroom
- Leo Sayer: You Make Me Feel Like Napping
Truth Be Told
As one of our brightest comics, Mr. George Carlin, famously said, “We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch tv too much. We have multiplied our possessions but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often. We’ve learned how to make a living but not a life. We’ve added years to life, not life to years.”
This was a man who never shied away from the truth – whether or not you wanted to hear it. He was a pioneer and a philosopher. He could turn a phrase like no one else. Many people disliked him – probably because he spoke the truth. But he wasn’t afraid to speak his mind. And his mind, at times, was quite brilliant.
There are all kinds of truths including half-truths. Some are ‘for your own good’ and some (apparently) serve a purpose when lying to young children. But irrefutable truth cannot be argued.
Neil DeGrassi Tyson recently said, “The good thing about science is that it’s true… whether or not you believe in it.”
I’d say that pretty much sums it up. Believe what you will and, in the end, the truth will set you free!
Waiting For Godot
We are always waiting for something – a check to arrive in the mail; a parking spot to materialize; a job to magically fall in our lap. We sometimes spend more hours waiting for things to happen than we do actually living our lives.
Here is a small sample of a daily ‘self-induced’ holding pattern:
- Waiting to take the perfect selfie
- Waiting to win the lottery
- Waiting for Ed McMahon to show up on the doorstep (well, maybe 30 years ago)
- Waiting for Godot
You might laugh at the absurdity of listing the well-known play but, really, isn’t that what we all do? We have our ideas and our opinions but most of us never act on them – deciding, rather, to just discuss them, over and over again, with anyone and everyone who is unfortunate enough to be within earshot.
With all the tragedy going on in the world today, we offer prayers, we speak the names of the victims, we color our monuments with their flags but, really, we do nothing. The truth of the matter is, no matter how upbeat or positive we try to be, we’re always just waiting for that other shoe to drop!
Cheers And Jeers
Why don’t people smile anymore? Walk down any city street and this is what you’ll see:
- People arguing on their phones
- People frowning unhappily
- People rushing and bumping, unapologetically, into one another
Why bother spending an hour in the morning, getting ready to go out into the world, only to scowl and rant and rave… who’s going to notice all the time you just spent primping?
Did you ever watch or hear someone yawn and (all of a sudden) you yawn, too? It’s oddly contagious. So why doesn’t one smile beget another? You smile if you hear a baby doing that ‘uncontrollable giggle’ thing or when you see ANY animal video on YouTube. But there don’t seem to be that many moments in our own lives where we just LAUGH.
Next time you have a soda or a milkshake, try blowing bubbles through the straw… We used to love doing that as children. Or spontaneously break into a happy dance for no particular reason. If someone happens to catch you, hopefully they’ll laugh along with you. If not, you just bought yourself a one-way ticket to the funny farm!
Piece Of Mind
Did you know that when you live with your parents, later in life, you actually start to lose large pieces of your mind on a daily basis? It’s not like when you temporarily lose your keys or forget someone’s phone number. Or when you sit in traffic because it was decided that rush hour was a convenient time to pave the road or there’s an accident on the other side of the divider and all the drivers in front of you decide to look and take photos and you think, “there are two hours of my life I’ll never get back.”
No, this is something entirely different.
When my Dad – who has very limited sight and even more limited acceptance of that fact – insists on pouring his own drink and I then spend my few free moments of the day cleaning up the spills that could have been avoided if he would have just allowed me the privilege of doing it for him in the first place… there goes one piece of your mind.
Then when my Mom thinks she is saving 15 cents (yes, cents) by using a coupon from one particular store that is miles away from where I’m doing their regular shopping – resulting in my having to spend a half hour more of my valuable time, traveling in the car (not to mention about 10x as much in gas as the coupon is worth) – just so I can buy that item that she didn’t really even need but had a coupon for… there goes another piece of mind.
And, finally, when I spill some yogurt down the front of my new shirt (because I’m so tired from running around doing errands and fixing things around the house) and I realize I’ve witnessed this same scene before but, instead of me, it was with the very people I’m usually helping clean up after – that’s when it occurs to you that it’s not a piece of mind you’ve lost but your peace of mindfulness!*
*Don’t sweat the small stuff… Listen to your heart… Take time for yourself… Set clear boundaries… Give yourself the gift of forgiveness… Go ahead and vent… Remain calm… Make the best of a bad situation… Don’t take it all so seriously… Treasure the journey… And when all else fails – LAUGH!
hellomuddah hellofadduh 