Short And Sweet

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“These days, about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, ‘for fast relief…'”

“It’s scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.”

“My memory’s not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory’s not as sharp as it used to be.”

Question: “What’s the best thing about being 104?”
Answer: “No peer pressure.”

Authors unknown

 

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Senior Citizens Texting

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Senior citizens have taken to texting with gusto. They even have their own vocabulary:

BFF: Best Friend Fainted

BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth

CBM: Covered By Medicaid

FWB: Friend With Beta-Blocker

LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out

GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low

Just Be Yourself

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Ever ask yourself why there’s so much bullying and hatred in the world today? Social media has a great deal to do with it but it can only manifest and spread with the help of those participating in it.

I remember a time when you’d happily share good news with friends and family through a phone call or a mailed letter. Sadly, now people seem to prefer criticizing and making fun of others’ news because so much of it is put out there with no regard for personal responsibility or accountability.

We try to teach our children about respect for elders but all they see around them – especially from politicians, clergy, teachers and coaches – is a growing epidemic of name calling, physical and emotional abuse and blatant disrespect.

No one, regardless of his/her bloodline, was born into this world any better or more deserving than another.

It is not up to us to judge but, rather, to be the very best we can be. It’s well past time to concern ourselves with our own wellbeing and to let others just be themselves!

A Perfect Marriage

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A man and a woman had been married for 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other, except that the little old woman had a shoebox in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.

For all of these years, he had never thought about the box but, one day, the little old woman got sick and the doctor said she would not recover.

In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoebox and took it to his wife’s bedside.

She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found 2 crocheted dolls and a stack of money totalling $95,000.

He asked her about the contents. “When we were to be married, my grandmother told me the secret to a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll.”

The little old man was so moved he had to fight back the tears. Only 2 precious dolls were in the box. She had only been mad at him 2 times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness.

“Honey,” he said, “that explains the dolls but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?”

“Oh,” she said, “that’s the money I made from selling the dolls!”*

*Author Unknown

Leave Em Smiling

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As you age, you notice certain parts of your body fail to work quite as well as they used to work. Your eyes don’t see as well and your ears don’t hear as well. You might experience a change in your taste buds and certain smells that you used to enjoy may now seem unpleasant.

Supposedly (much like ‘when a door closes, a window opens’), when one of your senses starts to decline, another one becomes stronger. People who are born without sight or hearing or even limbs have been known to accomplish incredible feats due to this phenomenon. Some of our best known artists, musicians and athletes are among them.

So, if it takes you a little longer to get around or you have to rely on the kindness of others when performing daily tasks… fear not. We’re all in this together. Today you may notice the daily struggles encountered by your elders but tomorrow (or soon enough) your day will come. And even if (one day) your teeth come out of a jar, you can still command an audience with your Life Songs. Just remember to always keep em smiling (and, more importantly, make sure you take those teeth out of the jar first)!

Five Second Rule

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Everyone knows about the five second rule where food is concerned. Supposedly, if you drop food on the floor, it’s okay to still eat it or serve it if it’s been picked up within 5 seconds. I’m sure people with extreme OCD are silently cringing right about now but, for the vast majority of us, this rule is fairly acceptable.

So what else might it work for?

  • If someone doesn’t react ‘promptly’ when a light turns green, is it alright to blast your car horn at them?
  • If you have something important to say and someone holds up their finger indicating that they’ll be with you in a second, is it alright to start talking after you’ve checked your watch and five seconds have gone by?
  • If a waiter tells you he’ll be back in a second with the check and, after 10 or 15 minutes you still haven’t gotten it, is it alright to walk out without paying?
  • If someone is holding the elevator for another person (while carrying on a conversation with them) and you have places to go, is it alright to press the ‘close door’ button?
  • If you, yourself (“guilty”), have done any of these because you truly believe the five second rule is an appropriate measure of your patience level, then I say to you, “_________________________”*

*sorry, my five seconds were up!

Buy A Vowel

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If there’s one thing you learn fairly quickly when living with people of a certain age it’s that you should never interrupt their ‘programs.’ That’s right. We all have shows that we like to watch. Sometimes (given our busy schedules), we’ve even been known to binge watch on the weekends.

So here’s something important you need to know: NEVER EVER try to speak with your elders in the middle of a game show or during their soaps. Seriously. Even if you smell smoke. Or you get called about a family emergency and have to leave immediately.

In their defense, and I can’t believe I’m even saying this, they already feel like they’ve lost so much. So many things we all take for granted – our health, our sight, our ability to come and go as we please – may one day be taken from us, too, leaving behind a shell of the life we once knew with very little to fill up all those empty hours.

So, if you really must have their full attention and you have no other recourse, tell ’em: “Buy A Vowel,” quickly turn off the tv and run like hell!

*BTW… does anyone know the answer to this puzzle???

The Golden Years

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(author unknown)

I cannot see,
I cannot pee.
I cannot chew,
I cannot screw.
My memory shrinks,
My hearing stinks.
No sense of smell,
I look like hell.
My body is drooping,
I have trouble pooping.
The golden years have come at last
The golden years can kiss my ass!

Blue Plate Special

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If you look up the word ‘BLUE’ in the dictionary, some of the synonyms listed are:

  • lewd
  • obscene
  • impure
  • locker-room

Really? Yet, when our elders eat a less expensive dinner at an earlier hour than most of the population, it’s called a ‘blue plate special.’ When an elderly woman dyes the gray out of her hair, it’s described as being ‘blue hair.’ And if you live in some states where they have county fairs and your pie or your jam wins a ‘blue ribbon,’ that’s considered a good thing, right?

So what’s with all the negativity? 

If asked what your favorite color is, a large majority of pollees will respond: “blue.” After all, the sky appears to us in a myriad of beautiful shades of blue. Certain bodies of water have also been described as such. How is it, then, that when you’re not at your absolute best, you’re ‘feeling blue?’

My solution is this: don’t be ‘green with envy.’ Be ‘tickled pink’ and always strive for that ‘red-carpet treatment!’

Grandparents At Play

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There’s something very calming about rocking chairs… They’re pretty, they’re sturdy, they rock and you can fall asleep on them. And yet very few people actually own them. Only in certain parts of the country will you see them on front porches.

But do you ever see anyone actually sitting and rocking?

I realize we all work too hard and seldom take the time to just sit and relax – maybe watch a sunset or a rain shower. But wouldn’t it be nice if at, say, 4pm everyday you were required to just sit and rock for maybe 10 minutes?

Of course, the time would probably be spent checking phone messages or playing games or texting. That’s why we need to look to our elders as examples. Grandparents know how to play that game (mostly because they’re not consumed with our generation’s need to stay connected). When they see an unoccupied rocker, they sit and they rock. Period.

So why is it that, on any given day, at any given time, these chairs remain still? I’d like to think that all the grandparents are somewhere, happily engaging in grandparent-y activities. But the reality is… they’re more likely at rest than at play!