You’re Old If…

You’re old if…

• Everything hurts and, what doesn’t hurt, doesn’t work anyway.
• You get winded playing chess.
• Your children begin to look middle aged.
• You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going.
• Your knees buckle but your belt won’t.
• Dialing long distance wears you out.
• Your back goes out more than you do.
• You answer automatically when someone addresses you as “Old Timer.”
• You burn your midnight oil at 8pm.
• You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there.
• Your pacemaker makes the garage door go up when you see a pretty girl walk by.
• You have too much room in the house and not enough in the medicine cabinet.
• The best part of your day is over when the alarm clock goes off.

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Sell By Date

Whenever I look in the refrigerator and see something that I’m pretty sure belongs in the garbage can, I know it’s time to call the expert on all things date-challenged… my Dad.

Somehow, he has this uncanny talent for distinguishing between freshness and over-ripeness. Sure, I can see mold on a strawberry or on a loaf of bread. And I don’t even need to smell the milk once I see it curdled on top. But it’s the ambiguous items I have trouble with.

I tend to rely on terms such as:

• Expiration Date
• Sell By Date
• Best If Used By Date

But, as my ‘advisor’ has advised me on many occasions, canned foods and boxed foods have different freshness standards. Stale cereal, for instance, won’t harm you but it might not be the crunchy consistency you desire. And I remember all the people stocking up on canned beans and tuna during the days preceding the millennium. Would those foods still be edible today?

I will always have my suspicions and will continue to throw out perfectly good food (like millions of others) because, “why take the chance?” That said, on any given day, you can still find me pulling out all the milks in the store till I get to the latest date at the back and I wouldn’t hesitate to bring back any moldy food (even if I’ve already eaten some of it) for a full refund!